Since I have been diagnosed with Lupus I seem to always have this battle inside of my own mind with not being able to be who I once was. I have a hard time accepting the transition of who I was to who I am now. I fight not being able to go and do all that I want, with all that I have in me, and it’s an exhausting fight.
Often times I end up hurting myself because I still have a lot of things that I want to do but there are more things that I can’t do. I have an ongoing battle in my mind and I often feel like I am not the person I was anymore. I feel guilty when I miss out on things. I feel guilty when I have to say I can’t go or I can’t do what people want me to do. There are a lot of days that I feel as if I have lost who I am and I feel guilty because it’s not fair to my family and friends. I feel guilty that my family and my friends watch me suffer.
If I had to take all my health issues and list out how each one affects me, I would say the most difficult one to handle is the emotions and guilt with being sick would be at the top of my list, I feel guilty for being sick and my illnesses drain my emotions.
No one really talks about it much but for me the guilt is devastating. A lot of people talk about slipping into depression and that is a huge subject for another day, but today I want to bring awareness to the fact there is a feeling of guilt in chronic illness and it is normal, I can only say how I feel about the guilt that I have but I am betting a lot of people with chronic illness has this as well.
Over the last few years, I have had to slowly succumb to the things I should not do. In some cases, it’s not the things that I cannot do but the things that I can do but if I do those things I suffer immensely. I can’t do things like I want to and like people want me to. It’s changed my entire life, and often I feel guilty for not being able to help, or volunteer, or just being able to jump in. I miss that part of my life.
However, I have to remember that guilt is not from God, it is the trick of the enemy. God never makes us feel guilty, God doesn’t work that way. When we feel guilty it is an emotion that makes us feel inadequate, sub-par, and below average; God has nothing to do with that, that is the enemy trying to bring us down so that we will give up.
God draws us to Him out of love and compassion, it is our own insufficiencies that bring us to the point that we feel like we do not measure up to God’s standards and expectations.
I have learned to surround myself with Godly people who bring me back to where I need to be in order to fight this fight. I have also learned that I can not fight this fight alone. I have accountability, and I put it all down for Jesus to deal with.
If you have a chronic illness and you are fighting guilt, don’t give up! We are in this together, you are not alone. It’s ok to “not be ok.”
It’s ok to change your standards to brand new standards.
I am having to learn to do this, so we will do it together. It doesn’t mean we are any less, we are simply finding new ways to cope. Lastly, do not be afraid to go to your doctor because these feelings are normal and they can help. #guiltisnotofGod #chronicillnesslife #emotions #inspirational