I am what I am.

But by the grace of God I am what I am.
But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than
all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.
1 Corinthians 15:10
I used to have this famous saying, “it is what it is.” Every time I didn’t like something and I had to accept it, I
would spout off those words. It meant to me, that I had to accept whatever is happening.
I didn’t grow up in a family that was like the TV show that I used to watch as a child, “Growing Pains.” In
Growing Pains, the mom and Dad were in love and it was a picture perfect family of educated parents and kids
that had boundaries. In fact, I grew up in quite the opposite. In my childhood, I went from abusive parents, to a
foster home, then back to an abusive parent.
Many look at my life and wonder why God didn’t stop any of the abuse and now I am chronically ill at thirty
eight years old with the worst kind of Lupus. At times I have to admit it makes no since except for the passage I
quoted of Paul in the New Testament, “I am who I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No I worked
harder than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”
It’s hard to say but I would not be the person I am today without all the trials I have faced. I have been through
abuse, and neglect and abandonment and at times the scars of those memories carry over into my illness. I still
feel alone at times, I still feel like I am fighting for my life and at times I lose sight of the one who has never left
me, God. I am far from perfect, but without God’s grace I could not face the battles that I have today. It’s in the
tough times that we gain strength. It’s in the tough times of testing that we are given testimony of God’s
goodness.
I catch myself at times wishing the bad things of my life would disappear but this morning I realize I am who I
am because I needed God, because of his Grace he saw me through and I am a better person because of him.

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