I am what I am.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.
1 Corinthians 15:10

I used to have this famous saying,” it is what it is.” Everytime I didn’t like something and I had to accept it, I would spout off those words. It meant to me, that I had to accept whatever is happening, it’s not going to change anyway and there is no hope.

I didn’t grow up in a family that was like the TV show that I watched growing  up like, “Growing Pains”, where the mom and Dad were together and it was a picture perfect family of educated parents and kids that had boundaries. In fact, I grew up in quite the opposite. In my childhood, I went from abusive parents, to a foster home, back to an abusive parent with no boundaries.

Many may look at my life and wonder why God didnt stop any of that, and now I am chronically sick at thirty eight years old. It seems like a definite insult to injury. But in the scripture, Paul says, ” I am who I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.” “No I worked harder than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”

I would not be the person I am today without all the trials I have faced. I carry memories and tragedies around in my mind, the past will never change but God saw me through even when I didn’t know it. I have been through abuse, and neglect and abandonment and at times the scars of those memories carry over into my illness. I still feel alone at times, I still feel like I am fighting for my life and at times I lose sight of the one who has never left me. I am far from perfect, and God is certainly not finished with me, there is always some fine tuning to do. But without God’s grace I could not face the battles that I have today. I lived a life that was unspeakable and this illness is sometimes torture, and even though I have been tested and tried so many times, the hard times and God’s Grace go hand in hand.

Without one, the other can’t work. It’s in the tough times that we gain strength. It’s the times of testing that we are given testimony of God’s goodness. Without our need for God, he can not lend a hand.

I catch myself at times wishing the bad things of my life disappear but this morning I realize I am who I am because I needed God, because of his Grace he saw me through and I am a better person because of him.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s