Sometimes life gives us a bad deal and at times we ask why? It’s natural to want to put the blame on something or someone and it’s easy to ask why God allowed those things to happen. Undesirable things just happen sometimes, and we get handed a bad deal. This is a fallen world that we live in. It’s not God’s fault. This isn’t heaven! Things just happen and sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. However, God can use the terrible things that happen to us and turn them into something good, for his purpose. God can teach others through our bad experiences. God can use us to lead someone to him when we are at our weakest.
This week, has been a week of emotional ups and downs. I received some sad news, it has been recommended that I start Methotrexate, a chemotherapy drug because of the fluid around my heart and my history of pleurites that comes and goes. If that was not enough, it has been discovered that I have the beginning stages of Lupus Nephritis which simply means it’s affecting my kidneys. I am not going to sugar coat this situation, this news is not what I wanted to hear and I am worried about it. I am a strong person, I have been through a lot in my life and I have overcome but when confronted with the reality of this yesterday while I was telling my sister, the tears came. She said, exactly what I was thinking that I would not say out loud,” why does all the bad things happen to you?” After much thought on that during the day, I still don’t have a perfect answer for that but I do know that through this time in my life I could not face this mess without God. I know that he has a purpose and a plan.
Even though, these things scary things are happening to me, God is working in my life and in my body. After many months of stomach pain, I am starting to feel human again. I can eat some solid foods without the excruciating pain that I have come accustomed to having. After 3 longs weeks of the worst Lupus flare in my chest, heart flutters, and dizziness, that is starting to settle down. I am still tired but I thank God for every bit of healing that I receive. Although, I have not received complete healing that I want, God is still working in my life. I know that God has a plan for me through this, and instead of being afraid I am going to dare to be different. I am going to rejoice in the fact that I am his daughter, and be thankful for everyday that I wake up. I am going to be thankful for the life that he has given me and I will praise his name no matter what I face. We all have a choice when faced with adversity, we can let the moment overcome us and be miserable or we can overcome the situation and find peace. I am choosing to trust that God has my best interest at heart always and he will not leave me or forsake me. I am going to believe that God will use this situation for his good and his purpose.
I was asked this week, if God gave me a choice to live this life, if I knew what I knew now, would I still agree to live this life? My answer might surprise many, but it is a resounding yes. If I can touch just one person for Jesus Christ through my personal testimony of faith, even though the things I have seen and gone through seem awfully scary and unfair, it is worth it. Although this disease seems like a rotten deal, God has also blessed me in so many ways and it outweighs the bad. He has given me a loving family, loving spiritual parents, 3 crazy puppies that love me no matter what, he has always provided a way for me when there seemed to be no way. He has given me hope, peace and love. I plan on daring to be different, when one might expect me to worry and be afraid, I will not fear. I will not be afraid because God is on my side.