“If you spend your time waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.”
Yesterday was a bitter-sweet day. I went to the cardiologist for my test results and I received answers from testing at the Mayo clinic in Jacksonville FL. I didn’t get the news I wanted, I expected a beautifully wrapped box with a big red bow on it with a cure for all my ailments. I wanted a fix, I wanted an answer.I have lupus, and I know that there are no definite answers for that.
Lupus has devastated my body,with fatigue, musculoskeletal inflammation, arthritis, joint pain, burning, pins and needles, my digestive system, weekly INR checks, iron infusions, my heart and lastly my brain. I have been having arrhythmias, where my heart flutters all the while in the middle of a lupus flare in my chest. It feels like my heart is doing somersaults and it is an unsettling and an uncomfortable feeling. I fainted last week when my heart fluttered as I was loading the dishwasher. After going to the cardiologist, the next day, I wore a heart monitor for 48 hours. It revealed some things. My blood pressure drops low when I stand for a period. I am at risk for fainting after a brief period of consistent standing. I have some conductivity problems that keep my heart from staying in rhythm. My brain just doesn’t communicate with my heart to stay in rhythm. It’s called neurocardiogenic syncope and it’s common with Lupus patients.
Although, I didn’t get the shiny box with a bow and a cure inside, I still consider it a blessing from God. Yes, I have Lupus and yes, it’s affecting me neurologically and my heart but it’s not going to kill me. My heart is strong. I have good blood flow. The neurological problems make me slur my words when I get tired and when my heart flutters. I am going to feel that awful flutter of my heart and be uncomfortable. However, I am going to adjust a few things and I will be ok. I must listen to my body and not push through even though that is against my nature, pushing through will only make matters worse. This is how it is, it’s Lupus, the invisible mysterious disease.
The test that I had on my stomach should have shown narrowing, it did on the last test months ago, but it didn’t this time, I absolutely believe God had a hand in that. My digestive system is not functioning normally and it takes a long time for my system to digest anything I eat. I must be on a special diet to keep everything working and it consists of mostly liquids. I cannot eat anything that I want, and I will still have to take medicine to make my digestive system work because I am sure my digestive system went on vacation for a while. I am just very thankful that I don’t have to have any surgeries, every surgery that I have had has caused many new issues each time.
Even though this wasn’t exactly the shiny box with a bow and a cure inside, even though it wasn’t how I pictured how I wanted it to be delivered, God gave me answers according to what I needed. God is still working miracles, and although I cannot say that I am healed completely, God is making this bearable. I am going to praise his name and thank him for never leaving me or forsaking me.