I remember shortly after finding out that I had Lupus the initial shock and fear. It’s funny how one day you can be fine, then the next day your entire world can come crashing down around you. I lay in a hospital bed with a DVT, as the nurses and doctors that I worked so closely with every day, came in, now I am their patient. So many questions, at times it was overwhelming. One nurse even told me I was blessed to be alive. This was just the beginning of a long journey ahead.
I struggled with fear of not being able to control my situations back then, just to name a few of my many struggles from a complicated past but of course, I thought I had overcome. After all I was a strong “girl.”
When I found out I was ill, with an illness that had no cure, that I would be taking blood thinners for the rest of my life, I was faced with the same fear of no control, that I thought I had worked so hard to overcome. I was suddenly at the mercy of doctors, colleagues at the time and God. My fears were all brought back so fast my head was spinning. My entire world got picked up and someone shook it up then put it back down where I was left with the mess to clean up. I spent a lot of time asking God why did he allow this to happen to me, and I would ask what I had done to deserve this. I spent a lot of time trying to take on my own problem and figure out why and nothing I ever did gave me peace until I realized it was never my problem to fix all.
I know I can not control some things that happen to me, I am not sure I even want to. I memorized this verse early on, “My grace is sufficient for you, for in your weakness I am made strong.”
When I am facing fear and wondering why God has allowed certain things to happen, I have to remember that God loves me more than anybody can ever love me. He loves me unconditionally and not only that, he does what is best for me at all times. When I face scary things, God is my strength and he is all I will ever need. Why did God allow this illness to happen to me, I do not know but I do know that sometimes he will allow things to change up a bit just to bring me closer to him. I do know that my Father does not give to me based on my ability to handle any given situation, however, my Father gives to me based on my ability through his strength to overcome challenges that I may face. It’s so easy to get caught up with fear and worry when you are faced with unsurable things but it’s nothing he and I can’t handle together. Sometimes it feels as if I am blindfolded being led through a dark valley trusting in someone I can’t see but I can always sense my father’s presence and that’s enough for me. It takes practice, it takes faith and a relationship with my Father. Sometimes things just happen, and sometimes things happen to touch someone else.
Here’s my last thought, when things get scary, I try to think it through, I filter my fears through God’s love, not the tangled up pieces of my heart wondering why me because simply put, “His grace is sufficient for me, for in my weakness he is made strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9.